The Mutuality of Marriage
From Is it Me? by Natalie Hoffman
Excerpt from Is it Me?: Chapter 2 - What Does a Normal Marriage Look Like?
A Normal Marriage is Not Confusing
"An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self, and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.” —Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
If you grew up in a dysfunctional home, or if you’ve been in an emotionally destructive marriage, you might think what you’ve always experienced is normal. It’s what you’re familiar with, and you may have no reason to believe there could be another way for two married people to relate to one another. I’ve got news for you. A normal marriage never feels like you’re living in the Twilight Zone. A normal marriage is not confusing. So what does a normal marriage look like?
I believe there are six characteristics of a healthy relationship: mutual love, mutual respect, mutual honesty, mutual vulnerability, mutual responsibility, and mutual submission. If you’ve been marinating in dysfunction for any length of time, you might be tempted to think that the things I’m sharing in this chapter are descriptive of a fairytale marriage that’s almost non-existent in the real world. I want to assure you right here at the beginning that this is not the case. This chapter is really and truly a description of a simple and normal marriage relationship, and certainly a Christian one. I know it’s possible and normal because I know couples like this. I also know because this chapter describes my second marriage, and my current husband and I are not extraordinary, fairytale people. We are your run-of-the-mill, ordinary folks with ordinary people problems. Yet our marriage is safe, enjoyable, happy, and normal.
Let’s talk about what that looks like.
Mutuality
“Mutuality is a way of being with another person which promotes the growth and well-being of one’s self and the other person by means of clear communication and empathetic understanding.” —Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship
When we say a relationship or an interest is mutual, that means it goes both ways. Mutuality is not a river running in one direction, taking everything with it. It’s not a wave crashing on the shore, eating away at the surface. That’s a picture of power-over. Mutuality is different. It’s more like what happens underground when water comes together from two different sources and meets, creating pressure that eventually bursts through the ground’s surface in a powerful plume of water: a geyser. Mutuality is seed and earth embracing and enveloping one another in order to create something compelling and new that each one could not create without the help of the other one. When two become one, a synergistic force is created, and this force is more powerful than just taking two individual parts separately and putting them next to each other.
Although this concept of mutuality is not commonly taught in some culturally conservative Christian circles, it is not only Scriptural, but it is actually the bedrock of a Christian marriage. For a marriage to be truly Christian, it needs to be rooted in the whole Word of God—not just four or five verses about marriage. In other words, just because someone is married doesn’t mean the only verses that apply to them are verses on marriage. For every verse specifically about marriage, there are hundreds that speak to relationships in general, and marriage relationships certainly count as relationships, too! In fact, the entire Word of God is simply the story of God’s love for His creation and the unity we can have in Him and with one another because of this great love. It wasn’t meant to be a Pharisee’s rule book. Jesus made it clear over and over in the gospel of John that love trumps law. All healthy relationships are governed by the law of love. This means if your marriage is not usually reflecting mutual love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control, it’s not a healthy marriage, let alone a Christian one. These characteristics of the evidence of the Holy Spirit at work in two people go both ways, not one way. Understanding the necessity of mutuality is critical to understanding why your marriage is destructive. It isn’t because you haven’t tried hard enough. It’s because your relationship isn’t mutual. Mutuality is the key. In fact, the very spread of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is dependent on mutuality.
“All healthy relationships are governed by the law of love. This means if your marriage is not usually reflecting mutual love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control, it’s not a healthy marriage, let alone a Christian one.” - Natalie Hoffman
When one person in a relationship makes all the decisions unilaterally, they miss out on opportunities to truly know and love another human life. To give and take. To capitalize and draw on one another’s strengths and knowledge and experience. To understand real intimacy and oneness.
A positive and more intimate outcome is almost always a possibility when you have mutuality. Will there be compromises sometimes? Absolutely. Maybe after talking out a decision, thinking about it over time, and coming together to talk again, there will be a meeting of minds. But if not, a couple can work together to make compromises and move things forward. Sometimes one partner will defer to the other. But which partner will that be? It won’t be the same every time, nor should it be. Why? Because of love. Because of mutuality. Because Christianity isn’t about power-over. When both partners are seeking to be like Christ, they will both look for ways to love, respect, and submit to one another. If one partner refuses to participate in the marriage in a Christ-like way because they think marriage is about them and their power and control, you’ve got trouble.
“I gave them the glory You gave to me, that they may be one as we are one. With Me in them and You in Me, may they be so perfected in unity that the world will recognize that it was You who sent Me and that You have loved them as You have loved Me.” (John 17:22-23)
So to sum up, mutuality is oneness. It’s unity. It’s the movement of two separate parts coming together to create something powerful and new. And mutuality within the framework of marriage is the movement of two people coming together in mutual love, respect, honesty, vulnerability, responsibility, and submission in order to reflect the cosmic reality of the unity and oneness of the Godhead, as well as the unity and oneness of Jesus Christ and His people. The opposite of mutuality is the separateness that comes from one person being in a power-over position and the other person being in a power-under position. This is the world’s pagan operating system, and it’s abusive. You cannot have a dynamic, Christian marriage without mutuality.
“Mutuality is oneness. It’s unity. It’s the movement of two separate parts coming together to create something powerful and new.” - Natalie Hoffman
Now that we’ve defined mutuality, let’s dig into the six areas where we need to see this mutuality at work in order to call the marriage normal. (And Christian!)
MUTUAL LOVE - The Bible is full of verses that teach both men and women need both love and respect. God created male and female in His image. There was perfect mutuality. Perfect unity. Perfect oneness. This was God’s design. Then sin entered the world, which ushered in consequences that included the power-over dynamic in relationships like hierarchy, patriarchy, and racism. But after Jesus came and redeemed creation with His sacrifice, God re-established the opportunity for true mutuality and oneness in relationships again—oneness with God through Christ, and oneness with one another through Christ.
MUTUAL RESPECT - Respect is being courteous, actively engaging with the other person’s hopes and dreams, listening well, caring about the feedback of the other person, paying attention, compromising, asking their opinion, accepting their differences, working toward non-judgment, asking instead of demanding, and basically just treating the other person like they are special and worthy of your regard. You cannot demand respect. It must be freely given for it to be real, because respect is born of love, and love is given, not taken.
MUTUAL HONESTY - Without trust, a relationship immediately sinks. There is absolutely no hope for a relationship built on lies, half truths, exaggerations, secrets, hidden messages, and omitted information. Hidden abuse is done under the radar, where nobody can see it. It’s a white-washed tomb that looks pretty on the outside while hiding dead men’s bones (Matthew 23:27-28).
MUTUAL VULNERABILITY - To be vulnerable is to open oneself up to potential attack. In battle, it’s not a good idea. In a healthy marriage, it’s a necessity in order to experience intimacy. But it definitely takes both partners willing to “show up and let themselves be seen.” If only one partner is showing up while the other one is exploiting that vulnerability, you’ve got a war zone, not a marriage.
MUTUAL RESPONSIBILITY - Mutual responsibility in a normal marriage looks like both partners owning their own behavior and taking wise stewardship of what belongs to them, including their own selves. It means I take ownership of myself, and my spouse takes ownership of himself. I am not responsible for his behavior, emotions, schedule, relationships, duties, and so on, and he is not responsible for mine. Mutual responsibility is having healthy boundaries. It’s personal accountability.
MUTUAL SUBMISSION - You may have been taught that the Bible teaches wives to submit to their husbands. But did you know the Bible teaches submission in a beautiful, multi-layered way? Submission is a voluntary attitude of respect and cooperation, and it’s critical when it comes to quality relationships. It is something everyone, both male and female, is called to do, and is essential to all healthy interpersonal relationships—certainly and especially to a Christian marriage relationship. Manipulated submission of one person to another is based on power-over structures that are rooted in paganism, not authentic love.
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about the author
Natalie Hoffman
Natalie believes women should be free. Free to think for themselves. Free to question long-held religious traditions. Free to doubt. Free to grieve. Free to explore. Free to lead. Free to make mistakes. Free to set boundaries. Free to find safety. Free to speak out. Free to be authentically who they were created to be—and to love and enjoy who that unique person is. She believes women have deep within them a Great and Safe Love. Her life mission is about leaning into that Love and changing the world with it.
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