Surrendering Impatience
Guest Post by Mary DeMuth
Love is Patient
Excerpt from Love, Pray, Listen: Parenting Your Wayward Adult Kids with Joy by Mary DeMuth
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” — 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Patience moves you from hearing to seeing
You’ve probably heard the phrase, “the patience of Job.” But what exactly does that mean? Job endured the loss of family, wealth, relationships, and health—something God allowed. Job trudged the arduous journey of loss, but not without questions. Even so, God blessed him in his latter years for his patient suffering and ultimately restored his family. He started his life as a righteous man who heard from God, but then ended it by seeing him. He writes, “I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes” (Job 42:5). What if our act of patience, fueled by the Spirit within us, was not merely so we could endure our adult children’s choices, but for our betterment? What if this is not about our kids at all, but about our relationship with God?
Patience develops your kinship with God
To bear this kind of suffering as we wait patiently gives us a kinship with God. Why? Because he, too, has waited patiently for us. “The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promises, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent” (2 Peter 3:9). When we choose not to retaliate (but instead, we practice loving, praying, and listening), we emulate our Creator who is patiently waiting for all humankind to return to him. We become like him, and we suffer alongside him. Have you ever considered the grief of God? Every human being he created has a bent toward rebellion. He watches his children stray, make destructive choices, and break his heart. Our God understands children “leaving the nest” to make their way in the world far more than we do. When it’s difficult to be patient with an adult kid, the author of Hebrews reminds us of Jesus—in fact the author asks us to consider him. “Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up” (Hebrews 12:3). He understands. And because he understands, we can have a deeper fellowship with him when we suffer long for our kids.
Patience requires you to use your words in a different way
When I’ve been tempted to control my adult kids, or when so many words of “helpful” advice threaten to escape the confines of my mouth, I’m learning to still use those words, but direct them toward the Lord rather than my adult kids. To love our kids with patience is to pray. The Lord wants to hear our verbal wrangling, the pain we’ve experienced, and our disappointment. Instead of spewing it unfiltered over our kids (or written out in a hasty text), remind yourself to take your words to God instead. Tell him everything. Intercede for your adult children. Take all that energy you have in wanting to control your kids to the foot of the cross in surrender. The truth is, you cannot control another person—if you try, you border on enslavement. Not even our Heavenly Father does such a thing. He grants all his children freewill, so we must do the same. And when we’re tempted to rebuke an adult child, we should hit our knees instead—in surrender.
“To love our kids with patience is to pray.” — Mary DeMuth
Patience reminds you God loves your adult kids more than you do
Truly knowing and practicing the belief that God loves your adult children far more than you do will set you free. Our love for our kids is conditional, and it is miniscule compared to the outlandish love of the Father. One only has to look to the story of the prodigal son to see the Father’s ardent dedication to his children—particularly the wayward ones. As parents, we have to find ourselves in the story as well. Sadly, I’m often the other sibling, bitter that God hasn’t thrown me a party, rather than celebrating the fact that God loves all his children equally, and that a party is what he throws for us all. If we are all on the same level playing field—equally sinners in need of grace—we will understand that God’s love is for us all. We are not better than our kids simply because we are older. This kind of humility helps us finally understand that any love we have for our kids pales by comparison to God’s surprising agape love.
“Take all that energy you have in wanting to control your kids to the foot of the cross in surrender.”
— Mary DeMuth
Patience is not merely extended to them, but to you
When I am trying to be patient with the decisions my adult kids make, I can easily recall the times I did not practice patience. (I’m remembering a moment right now where I absolutely destroyed one of my kids with a self-absorbed rebuke. Ouch.) This kind of regret devolves into a long session of berating myself for my failures in this area. As I grow deeper in my relationship with Christ, I’m realizing how fruitless it is to be my own sin-monitor. Even the Holy Spirit, when he convicts, does so with hope, and, later, the Spirit does not remind us of our past failures in an angry tone. So why do I do this? Perhaps because I have an ideal parent in mind, and when I fail to meet expectations of that ideal, I try to micro manage myself into perfection. Of course, this is a deeper issue of faith, where I have to relearn the fundamental principles of being Spirit-led versus trying to sanctify myself in my own strength.
All parents fail to be patient. All parents fall short of the ideal. This should not plunge us into self-introspective despair, but surrender. In short, we need to exercise patience with ourselves, remembering our clay-footed nature. The beauty of failure, though, is this: it’s the springboard toward actual strength. We can either self-yell or surrender to the one who supplies the strength we need. The latter is the pathway toward parental peace.
“All parents fail to be patient. All parents fall short of the ideal. This should not plunge us into self-introspective despair, but surrender.” — Mary DeMuth
Patience gives us the long view
In light of that, next time you’re tempted toward impatience when your adult kids make frustrating decisions, remember your own journey. You didn’t instantly begin to make right choices the moment you became an adult. You made a lot of errors in judgment. You bought that overpriced item, trying to justify the expense, only to later regret it. You chased an unhealthy relationship. You messed up at work. You went into debt. You may have drunk too much. Consider God’s great patience toward you, how he led you, taught you lessons through your failures, and picked you up when you hit the rock bottom of your decisions. He grew you up, but the process had fits and starts. In looking back on your own growth journey, extend that same long view with your adult kids. And realize that God’s plan is not always simple or linear. It’s uniquely shaped like each child. We serve a creative God; therefore, we must allow for his great creativity in the lives of our adult kids. When we do this, patience becomes second nature to us.
about the author
Mary DeMuth
Mary has written over fifty books, including The Most Overwhelmed Women of the Bible, 90-Day Bible Reading Challenge, and The Freedom of Surrender.
Through her podcast Pray Every Day and her speaking events around the globe, Mary seeks to help people heal from past trauma and live re-storied lives as followers of Jesus.
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