Learning to Bloom without Roots

by Ashley Whittemore

👆I wrote this poem about a year and a half ago when I was feeling trapped and stuck inside a life I didn’t sign up for.

Fast forward and—full transparency—I still feel that way. When we are young and wild and free, we have dreams and aspirations that seem so attainable. And I attained many of mine! Until they were gone. And suddenly I was lost. I had built my identity on something that I didn’t know could or would be swiped away from me. And I’ve been reeling from it ever since.

I’ve been stuck with a lot of “used to’s” and “used-to-be’s” for a hot minute. The whole arsenal of tools I had in my tool kit, carefully curated for a life of ministry overseas, was suddenly rendered useless. What good was two extra languages, business experience overseas, running a network and raising thousands of dollars, or sitting for hours on the floor with the lost and weary when suddenly I was a stay-at-home-mom without an official degree to back up any of my real-world experience and my community a continent away?

Then came lots of hardships and major surgery and loneliness without words and a second move across the US of A and a global pandemic, and I feel perhaps more lost than ever.

Maybe that’s you, too. So that’s why I’m sharing it. Because life can be disappointing and hold a lot of loss. It’s hard to bloom without roots.

I’ve also been in counseling for two years now. It’s kept my head above water and I’ve seen progress in some areas, and I’m still in a holding pattern in others. That’s what growth looks like, I guess.

Next week I have a phone call with a writing coach. I’ve never done that before but my incredibly supportive and patient husband has been encouraging me to for a while. Maybe it’ll be a good fit. That’s something I’ve learned about myself. I do better with a game plan and a coach, not just a blank slate and no direction. And that’s ok. It’s just how I am.

If you’re feeling like a fish out of water or a plant out of soil, I just want to say you’re not alone. And it may be a looong season for you like it has been for me. But keep going. Keep trying.

Some plants just take longer to thrive when they’re moved to a new environment 🌱

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